Just sitting here tonight and musing about how things come full circle. That should this baby come as early as his biggest brother did then we’ve got about 3 weeks left. That in a week from now I’ll be at the same point I was when my preserve came domiciliate from six month deployment. I must note what a dress nutrition makes! At that point in time my BP was through the cover and I weighed 30lbs more than I do now despite the fact that I started that pregnancy 50lbs thinner than I did this one. I was looking at a picture of that day that I picked him up and could see how sick I was and at the same time so incredibly happy. I was happy to have my husband approve happy to be pregnant and full of expectation excitement and a nudge of worry of the unknown. Right now. I’m at the end of that cycle the end of the jaunt of pregnancy. Coming to terms with that has been harder than I ever thought it would be. I truly honestly don’t want more children after this one. I have said for ages that three is my check. And really. I haven’t enjoyed this pregnancy for the most part. I’m tired it sucks doing this with two other small kids pets a house on the merchandise etc. And yet. I’m a little sad. It seems like measure is slipping away from me. I’ve said a few times that it’s snuck up on me but really I had it in my continue that once Thanksgiving got here. I’d have around a month or so to go. The end; the home be. I’m not afraid of the delivery itself. Many times I’ve heard the expression that birth is as safe as life gets and for the most part that’s adjust. I conclude somehow woefully unprepared to parent one more child though. And I don’t know why. I’ve got two beautiful healthy (mostly!) smart vivacious boys that I’ve managed to encourage and at bare minimum keep alive this long there’s no reason to evaluate that I can’t do it again. It just seems to me however that with each child being so different. I fear whatever loop this one will impel me for. The first was clingy at first but outside of that and the sleepless nights he was manageable. But then the second came and every last trick that worked for number one the opposite was true for number two. And then number one threw us for the massive loop of potentially deadly food allergies and trips to the emergency room for IV’s full of epinephrine. Knock on wood but thankfully two has been somewhat low key in that respect. I figure that will come later on since he’s a daredevil and as he gets more and more daring I’ll find a broken arm or leg somewhere from falling out of a tree or jumping off the roof. So I wonder what ordain work for this baby? Will he sleep? Will he be to be carried or prefer to play on his own? ordain his brothers look out for him or torture him senseless? Will he have food allergies too? There is so much that goes with raising a child outside of just bringing them into the world. I get so many people telling me that I’m incredibly brave to birth at home or to birth alone. I honestly desire that birthing was the hardest most frightening thing about motherhood because then the be would be cake. Or the people who say oh babies are so hard. Yes they’re time consuming sometimes exhausting but really they are simple and don’t require a lot of thought. Hold them. Feed them. Change them. Burp them. Sleep them. Bathe occasionally. Keep warm. Smile at. Repeat. Then they start crawling and putting things in their mouths and then walking and reaching for window cords and then talking and forming opinions and asking questions and things suddenly get a lot more complicated. I’ve never thought that it gets easier as they get older just a different set of complications. They may sleep or use the bathroom but what do you do when they start asking how that baby got in there or why people undergo different skin color or why the man in the wheel chair has no legs or why their aunt smokes when it’s so bad for you so on and so forth? Today I sat there looking around my house wondering how children with older siblings survive just looking at the toys with tiny small pieces a scrap of plastic bag an acorn and a dozen other safety hazards I haven’t had to think about in some time. What an awakening! And time continues to creep. It seems like I lost something some where complaining that my back cause to be perceived (because it did) or that I’m tired (because I am) because I should’ve been hanging onto these measure moments. Simultaneously part of me is just ready to get the show on the road. I wanted another baby and miraculously got one coming (I wasn’t even supposed to be able to have the first two and now to be having a third is just amazing to me still) and I can’t wait to meet this little person. Just still. I hope that he hangs in a little bit longer on the inside just him and me. The end of the path may be looming near even visible on the horizon but we aren’t quite there yet and are walking (waddling!) very…very…slowly.
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Related article:
http://brambledoula.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/retrospect/
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